am i a writer?
am i writing for my personal satisfaction?
am i deep? enuf . . . ?
would i feel better about “me” if i considered myself to be an “intellectual” ?
would my day be a better day if folks bumrushed my blog to comment on my thoughts - opinions - insights, etc. ?
what am i trying to accomplish?
what have i accomplished thus far?
does anyone really care about what i have to say?
should i care if “they” care about what i have to say?
who is “they” ?
is a strangers opinion important to me?
is this a form of therapy?
- - - -
considering that i am not the great maya angelou - i am not a survivor of the holocaust - i am not the long lost heir of the russian czar - i am not jeffrey dahmer - i am not an expert on any one topic . . . i can not say or do anything that hasn’t already been said or done: so, why am i paying for a space to babble on about my life: the life and times of an american woman in her prime?
i have 5 empty journals in my nite stand - collectin’ dust.

i guess i’m more interested in speculation @ this point, cuz the answers might be too heavy for a friday evening.

I keep trying to shake it off - I try to think positive thoughts. I smile - I joke - I laugh - I cry (cuz they say it’s therapeutic). I distract myself with shopping and cocktails- fine dining - reading about other peoples drama and giving advice - and cooking and cleaning and washing the clothes and trying new hair styles - I try to shake it off - by being there for my family and friends and going to lectures given by people who I consider have achieved greatness, such as Corretta Scott King - Maya Angelou - and Tavis smiley. I distract myself by reading poetry and planning parties - and keeping up on current events and surfing the net - and blowing trees and wishing I could unlock the secrets of the universe. I dabble in this - and I dabble in that - to distract myself. Cuz a terrible anger resides inside of me - I am mad at the world - angry with myself - for being angry. There is no peace within me. I desire no pity - I expect no fear from anyone - and I aint crazy . . . .
Yes, something has got to change. I’m trying to stand on the good foot - but I ‘m growing weary and indifferent. I would call on a God - but I don’t know which name to call - what to wear - or say when I’m calling. And that’s the truth - and it feels fucked up - but that’s how it’s going down.

goddamn i bored!! i don’t ever recall signing up for such a lackluster life.
i’m sure i requested eternal bliss. and i understand that i am responsible for making things happen - and i control my destiny - and blah blah blah! well , today i’m feeling unmoved - downright mean and surly- and i almost wish somebody would pick a fight with me just so that i could have a reason to cuss them out! cuss words- let em’ roll: mother fuck you - you shit head hoe! today i have some lonely-angry-sexual frustrated-restless-resentful-piss on you and your dumb ideas-fuck the human race- type of feelings. but i’m sure tommorrow will be much different. sure it will . . .sure it will.

i need to quit it! *smile*