My Ambitions As A Rider

*Singing* I can’t deny it I’m a bus rider - Ya’ll don’t wanna fuck with me - my bus pass doesn’t come free - why everybody looking at me?

So . . .
I’m rushing - rushing - rushing - after a loooooooong and tedious day @ the office/cubicle. I hop on the bus - pay my fare - and make way for a semi-clean seat. The bus is in motion . . . I crack open a “Sister to Sister” magazine - attempting to make time zoom by a lil faster. I’m reading and riding - riding and reading - steadily the bus moves further and further away from downtown Minneapolis. When, suddenly it occurs to me . . . something aint right?

I scan my surroundings: I observe people chatting quietly. A few people are reading books. The air conditioner hums softly in the background. The bus driver announces each stop as he approaches it. Everyone on the bus is Caucasion, except for me. Based on this observation, I felt it was necessary to get the bus drivers attention.

Angelique: Excuse me; is this the number 22 bus?

Driver: Yes, but it’s an EXPRESS (code word for “We don’t stop in the hood, we roll straight to the suburbs”) bus and I make limited stops. I’ll be getting on the freeway soon.

Angelique: Oh? Could you let me off here, please?

The doors whooshed open and I got my tall-yellow-hurried ass offa the bus.

Now, I thought perhaps I might be going in the wrong direction. Normally my bus riding experience is completely different.

Usually:
I wait in a long line just to get on the bus.

Before I can get to my seat - (If I can find a seat) - the driver bolts off and my body is jerked into the aisle, causing me to reach for my balance. I pray that I don’t topple over someone’s double-wide stroller that’s blocking my way.

The bus is hot and funky. It usually smells like yesterdays MD 20/20 and reefer coming off of someone’s clothes.

Some ghetto individual is talking in surround sound on their cellphone and sharing all of their personal -ghettoish - business with the world.

There is always someone that gets on the bus - but doesn’t have their fare. They waste everyone’s time by pretending to look for the fare that they don’t have. Or they stall the driver just far enough to get where they are going. Or - they flat out beg for a ride. The hustle-a-free-ride techniques can get very creative. Wasting my precious time, nonetheless.

I have the opportunity to learn several different languages: Does anyone on the bus speak the Kings English anymore? Foreigners play dumb like they don’t understand how much the fare is.

Somebody needs his or her diaper changed.

I get eyeballed by some loser of a scrub and “mean-mugged” by some chicken head.

Personal conversations are out-of-control. And I’m not trying to hear about whose “coochie” smell like . . . whatever -whatever- whatever, etc.

Some sorry soul missed his/her EXPRESS bus and is trying to look out the window - like they aren’t scared and uncomfortable. I bet they will be on time at the bus stop tomorrow.

Basically - I have seen, heard and smelled it all. And it’s really a damn shame.

Last summer I had a lil scuffle on the bus, which resulted in me having a dislocated shoulder. I had a KUNG-FU GRIP on a chick’s neck. Thus, my arm was pulled out of its socket. I’M NOT BRAGGING. I AM ASHAMED that I let some heifer steal my sanity. My mother certainly did not raise me to cause a disturbance on the bus and “show out” like a clown. But I had to smack a chick dooooown. There was red and black hair weave (hers -not mine) all thru the aisle.
I think the “PO-PO” have me on video tape. Nuff said on that topic.

Obviously - I need a car. But if I had a car, I wouldn’t drive to work because I don’t want to pay outrageous parking fees. And, the traffic is too thick during rush hour. I’m sure I would be a product of road rage. I don’t live in the heart and soul of the “hood” but I still have to ride through it. Using public transportation as your means to get around, definitely keeps a person grounded. But I am a hypocrite – because I’m not interested in dating a person that doesn’t have a car. I salute all bus drivers across America! I personally could not transport the public 8 hrs a day and still be sane. I know for a fact that someone would get knocked the $%&* out!

Presently Minneapolis and the surrounding suburbs are preparing for light rail transit. They are spending millions of dollars to get the project launched by Fall 2004. I’ll be the first to let you know what type of experience riding the “train” will be.