“Relations”

I live in a large three story duplex.
I have two new neighbors: Ms. Lavera and Ms.Pat.
They live upstairs - I live downstairs.
My crazy ol’ uncle lives on the third level.
Ms. Lavera is in her early 70’s and Ms.Pat in her early 50’s.
Both women are very nice, but I suspect that each has a colorful past.
Ms. Lavera likes to drink brandy. I recently learned that she keeps a loaded pistol under her mattress just in case some punk is feeling lucky.
Both of them like my son and think he is such a “mannerable” young man.
Ms. Lavera likes to give him money for the ice cream truck.
I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me.

Last night I climbed the stairs to pay them a visit.
I wanted to apologize for any disturbance I may have caused during the “LAUGH AT THE GLASS” incident.
Lately, I’ve been playing my music kind of loud so I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t bothered them with the “bass”.
I like to keep the harmony amongst my neighbors and me.
- - -
I hadn’t talk to them for a few weeks.
Ms.Lavera wasn’t home but Ms.Pat was.
She was posted up in a LazyBoy recliner- wearing a watermelon colored “house coat” and smoking generic menthol cigarettes.
I didn’t look like she was doing too much of anything.

We went on to make small talk about this and that. Every time I would start in on a topic - she would cut me off and tell me a story of her own. For every word I spoke, she would come back with 20 more. Blah blah blah. Finally she took a breath. That’s when I said:

“I just wanted to apologize if I made too much noise the other night. A guy I know popped up at my door unannounced and . . .”
BEFORE I COULD SAY ANYTHING ELSE - she cut me off again.

Ms.Pat: I heard ya’ll fuckin’ the other night.

Lique: *turning crimson* Oh my goodness! I am soooo embarrassed. I’m so sorry.

Ms.Pat: There’s no need to be embarrassed. You are a young woman. Please don’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Lique: I am so sorry.

Ms.Pat: I could hear everything. Ya’ll was going at it for a long time.

Lique: *shaking head* Oh my goodness! I am so embarrassed and I am so sorry.

Ms.Pat: I could hear him too . . .panting. I use to hear my other neighbors, fuckin’. They are husband and wife and they use to go at it all the time. I use to get so “hot”.
- - -
I was thinking to myself: TMI LADY! TMI! Too Much Information! How the hell does one excuse themselves from a conversation like this? I swear - I am always finding myself in some kind of odd situation. But I guess that’s what makes my life somewhat interesting. In the meanwhile, Ms. Pat was still flowing . . .

Ms.Pat: I had to get up and out of the bed, but I didn’t want to disturb you. It sounded like you were having a really good time. These floors creak, so I very quietly tip-toed into the livingroom and sat on the couch. It took me awhile to get in here (the living room) w/out making any noise. I just sat there reminiscing about when I was young and hot. I haven’t have any dick in 6 years. I’ve had some bad experiences. I’m afraid of men. A lot of men try to talk to me, but I just don’t want to be bothered.

Lique: *speechless and intrigued*

Ms.Pat: Ms.Lavera came out of her bedroom and asked me why was I sitting in the living room so late at night. She asked me if everything was okay.

Ms.Pat smiled and then proceeded to point at the floor.

“I told her ya’ll was fuckin’ and I couldn’t get no rest!”

*Rolls of laughter burst out of my gut*

Lique: No - you - didn’t!
Ms.Pat: Yes - I - did!