“Tales From The Hood”
Posted by Saucy Dame Dizzle on
August 8, 2003
*ring ring*
Lique: *sounding dry as hell* Minneapolis Cubicle Land, this is Angelique.
Him: What chu doing girl?
Lique: Um . . . working?
Him: Oh, I was just calling to say blah blah blah.
Lique: Yeah, blah blah blah - So what are you doing?
Him: Nothing right now. I’m getting ready to “work” on a body in a few minutes. Later on I have another body to pick up at the airport. We’ve been busy.
In case ya’ll aint figured it out yet, Him” is a mortician/funeral director. “Him” and his family have been holding down the only Black owned funeral home in the Minneapolis, Minnesota USA. For the past 43 years this funeral home has laid to rest many-many-many people in our community. This include a few of my family members, diehard enemies and some high school classmates that lived fast and died young. I’ve grown up watching it’s business quietly prosper over the years; starting off as a tiny little chapel on the corner to a much larger facility taking up the whole dag-on block. They don’t do much advertising, if any. When you hear of a death in the community, people just automatically assume that the services will take place at this funeral home. Or perhaps, a church . . .
Sometimes I need a ride and “Him” come an’git me in a 2000 all white YUKON. The YUKON is used to transport the bodies to and fro. I aint scurred. The YUKON is nicer than a what a whole lot of peeps was rollin’ in before they “met their maker”. Who am I to complain? Besides, I don’t ride with the bodies. It’s dead-people free when I’m around. It has a nice sound system too. I be posted up, riding shotgun, like it aint nobody’s business if I do. Yeah, I’m riding around in a modern day hearse. You got problem? What? Don’t find yourself talking shyt and being the next body to be transported to your burial site. lol! But let’s get back to the convo, shall we?
Lique: So I take it you didn’t get “So and So’s” body. Be glad. I heard it wasn’t anything nice. I don’t know him personally. I’ve never met the man. But I’ve been hearing about it from different people around the way, all weekend. He must’ve known a lot of folks. Cuz, every where I went, I was hearing about this funeral. I’m surprised I don’t at least no of him, considering everybody else and their momma do.
They said he committed suicide in his mother in laws basement . . . shot himself in the head. Apparently he “caught a case” and wasn’t trying to go back. I heard he was really nice and a lot of people liked him. He owned a “penny-candy” store over North. No one can figure why he did what he did. He didn’t leave a note. Some say his wife wanted a divorce and he was heartbroken. They say he cheated on her, but he couldn’t stand to see her in the arms of another.
Word on the street is when his relatives in Chicago heard he had passed, they hauled ass to Minnesota and broke into his house. They came into this mans house and helped themselves to whatever they wanted. The day of the funeral, his mother went to the department store and tried to “boost” an outfit. She got caught and almost didn’t make it to the funeral. Can you believe that shyt?
The service started 2 hours late. The Reverend was missing in action. 2 hours! The longer people sat in the chapel, looking at his coffin, the longer they had to reflect on what was actually going down. After the good preacher arrived they had a “open- mic” to give people the opportunity to speak their peace. That’s when things really got out of control. People where screaming and clinging to the casket, trying to get into the casket, etc. It was a hot mess.
Yeah I was gossiping and I wasn’t coming up for air! *smacking hand* Shame on me for participating in unnecessary talk.
Lique: Afterwards, they had the re-pass over at the 200 Club. The people were “cutting up” and “showing out” so bad that the owners of the club were worried the decedents family & friends were going to tear up the place! They told everyone they had to leave immediately! They made everyone get out of the building. You aint gotta go home, but ya got to get the hell outta here! The family had food catered thru the club. The club owners set the food outside too! They shut the doors and locked them. Don’t ya’ll ever-ever-ever come back roun’heah no mo!
Him: Damn . . . I have a gang ghetto funeral stories. I’ll have to share with you sometime.
Lique: I know! Be glad you didn’t get that account. So anywayz, what’s the deal?
Him: I’m warming up the oven right now.
Lique: Oven? I didn’t know you do cremation too? I thought someone else does that? Don’t you have to send the body out for those services? Oh wait, are you warming up something to eat in the microwave?
Him: Naw Girl, I’m not talking about cremation. I’m warming up the oven so I can do this woman’s hair. I have to heat up the Marcel Irons so I can curl her hair. You know I don’t play. I do hair & makeup. I make sure they are dressed properly too. I’ve been doing this 18 years.
Lique: LMAO - Laughing My Ass Off!
I was laughing because I know he is dead serious. “Him” takes the viewing of the body very seriously. Loved ones feel better when they see their dearly departed looking peaceful and tranquil, as if they are sleeping . It takes a special skill to erase years of illness or gun shot wounds, etc. People take that sort of thing for granted. Everybody has to die someday. I was laughing though, because “Him” wasn’t bullshyting with the hair styling. I mean damn, couldn’t he just plug in a CONAIR or a HOT & GOLD curling iron? A wig? Homeboy is straight up giving people makeovers!
This negro has some special shit that you would normally find at the hair salon? And not just any hair salon, the type of salon where ya get your hair not “done”, but “did”. Did he order it from a distributor in Detroit? Do they have “HAIR WARS” for morticians? I mean, what’s he going to do? Put freeze curls in her hair? *laughing so hard*. Madame CJ Walker would be proud of this brother.
I forgot to ask him if he does pedicures too. He better not!
That’s enuf for now. Pray for me.
