A chick was hungry this morning. I was rushing . . . no time to stop and grab a morning snack. No snacks in my desk drawer either. All I had was a bunch of napkins, un-used ketchup packets, salt and pepper. Grabbing a breakfast sandwich was out of the question. I don’t have one of those “cush” jobs where I can just get up leave my desk when I get ready. I’m like 2 Pac in this biotch, “All Eyes On Me”. The company has an invisible electric fence, step out of bounds on company time and you will automatically be transported into “Human Resources”.

Famished, I sat at my desk for two loooooong hours before I finally broke down. I decided to carry my starving self over to the vending machine. Hastily I made way to the “cure” for my nagging hunger pains. I had my mouth all set for a Chicken flavored “Cup O’ Ramen”. Sodium water, freeze-dried peas and carrots, with ramen noodles, had never sounded so good. I was going make sure the water I used was scalding hot so that the noodles would soften quickly. I had scrounged up 85 cents from the bottom of my purse and was ready to roll.

Patiently, I stood behind two other hungry muthaphuckas, who took their good sweet time in making their selection. I mean damn, the vending machine menu doesn’t change very often, pick something a get the hell on! I’m hungry! I felt like Ludarcis -“Move bitch! Get out the way!” When the “slow-poke” standing in front of me finally made a decision, the vending machine wouldn’t accept his “rumpled” dollar bill. He must have tried at least five times to cram that dollar bill in the machines slot. Yeah, he tried about five times too many for some sugary Twinkies at 10:00 a.m. - Twinkies in the morning? That’s worse than the damn noodles.

“Move bitch! Get out the way! Get out the way bitch, get out the way!”

Alas, the vending machine was all mine. My eyes focused and zoomed in on my stomachs salvation. Boy oh boy! I was going to get my grub on! I could hear each nickel drop into the slot. All I had to do was make my selection.

*scanning the menu*

Wait a minute? Them aint no Chicken flavored “Cup O’ Ramen”. Oh hayl naw! BEEF FLAVORED ? WTF? Why’d the vendor go and do that? What the hell-kinda drugs was he on when he stocked the machine? Don’t nobody want no beef flavored ramen! Beef flavored “Cup O’ Ramen” is about appealing as hot dog gravy! There ought to be law! His tail should be fired on the strength of his poor decision. And to top if all off, there were 2 Beef flavored “Cup O’ Ramen’s”. That means two people have to eat that nasty shit before anyone can get to the chicken flavored kind. And by the time all of that takes place, I won’t be starving cuz I’ve already eaten something else! Damnit!

Oh well, I was already at the machine. I may as well chose something, rather than take a long and empty handed walk back to my desk. So I decided to hit the B12 button and go for some CHEEZ-ITS. No short supply of those. America, America, America, why did the CHEEZ-ITS get stuck in the machine? Why were the CHEEZ-IT’S just hanging there, dangling in front of me? They were taunting me . . . laughing in my face. That’s when I transformed into Gollum
all up in the kitchenette area.

“Must - have - the - prrrreecious! The machine is keeping the precious from me. If anybody comes near me right now, I’m going to poke out his or her eyes’is. The vendor is being ‘tricksy’, he is.”

I used my “extra weight” and gave the machine a gentle nudge with my hip. Okay I’m lying, I threw my body against the machine. “Must - have - the - prrrreecious!” Those CHEEZ-ITS’ was going to be mine! Bump-bump-bump! Everybody’s looking at me in the kitchenette like I’m crazy, but so what! America, I won the battle of the CHEEZ-ITS! The vending machine punked-out and relinquished my tiny, overpriced, bag of crackers. I inhaled those suckers like a vacuum. A word from the wise: Never, ever, ever come between an Amazon and her snacks. You may just draw back a nub! And please believe I’ve got some words for the vendor when I catch up with him!

this photo right herre it the kind that’s inspired by 2 best friends - a 6 pack of negra modelo - a laid back saturday nite and 1 sparkling personality (mine of course). yeah, it’s official . . . i’m off my damn rocker and i’m luvin’ it. hello world!

apparently, i didn’t go low enuf with the false representation of my annual income. the “cafeteria coordinator” left 2 voice mails letting me know i have an outstanding balance of $13.24 for previously digested school lunchs.

in the last message she sounded a little bit “testy” - like, damn bitch, is you is or is u aint gon’ pay up? i know you got my last message . . . go ahead, mess around and your son will be eating a government peanut butter sandwich w/ a glass of river water! lol! of course she didn’t really say that, but that was the tone of her voice. she was sweating me for the $$.

aint nobody sent me a letter in the mail? i assumed everythang was on the up and up! but, i got it all squared-out this afternoon. NO FREE LUNCH. just reduced lunch . . . uh, i can work with that.

happy friday america.