Fried - Dyed - Laid To The Side

Ode to the neighborhood Beauuuuty Parlor: The around the way “Country Club” for Mens and Womens that like to get their hair “did”. Nope,nothing else can compare, except perhaps your mothers kitchen.

You see, sometimes an AVEDA concept salon, just aint going to cut it. Damn a head and neck massage. Pooh on aromatherapy products. Screw stylists dressed in all black, offering you nasty mineral water and coffee. That shit aint for everybody.

You need something fabulous. Yes, something unique . . . a finger wave herre - a pin curl thurr - some glitter - and a few Christmas ornaments. Maybe a Burgundy swirl coming down the side of your face? Something “different”. You can picture yourself strolling down the street and getting all of the compliments you deserve.

However, in order to thoroughly enjoy your visit at the neighborhood salon, there are a few things you must understand.

1. Your entire day will be on hold as 5 people are booked for the same 1:00 p.m. appointment. There is money to be made.

2. Your stylist hair looks a mess. Every time you see her, she has a scarf on her head - half a weave - or a plastic cap covering a “deep conditioner” that she should have rinsed out hours ago. You’re wondering why she’s dressed like she’s going “club hopping” in the middle of the day?

3.Every hairstyle, no matter what you’re getting, requires that nasty brown gel.
All the other stylists front like someone else’s client’s hair looks good until they leave the shop. When the coast is clear, its “I KNOW she ain’t let her walk up outta here like that! “

4. Your stylist just might take a cigarette break to smoke a blunt. But don’t worry, she’ll wait until you are under the dryer.

5. Thirsty? They got strawberry, orange, AND grape in the Coca Cola machine, but no damn Coca Cola.

6. Your stylist has a “gang” of Polaroid pictures from the club posted up around the mirror. The backdrops in the photos have things like champagne glasses and Tupac praying, airbrushed on them. Everybody in the picture has their hair “did” - EVEN the men. Everybody is “shitty sharp” and well coordinated, right down to the matching gators and weave.

7. Even though there is a “NO SOLICITING” sign in the window, you can still buy the latest bootleg DVD’s - CD’s -Handbags and Jewelry. As well as , incense - pies - cakes - and “dub” sack if you come at the right time.

8. After you’ve been waiting for an hour, watched 20 music videos and have scanned an outdated hairstyling magazine, your stylist will announce that she has to “handle some business” and she’ll be back in 15 minutes . . .which turns into 30 mins . . .45 mins. . .

You can watch the music videos, but you can’t hear them over the music that’s blasting.

9. The shampoo girl, knows she’s needs to go home and put a bra on. . . Titties hanging all down in your face.

10: A gang of knuckle head “Mens” are hanging out in front of the barber shop NEXT door to the salon. Every time you walk in or out of the salon, they are staring your azz down like they haven’t eaten in weeks.

11. Your stylist keeps calling next door to borrow the “good clippers” and some oil sheen.

12. No matter what time you’re appointment is, the “Nail Tech” is NEVER there. If you did want to touch up your nails, it won’t be at this salon.

13. Some flashy “baller shot caller” just has to be seen paying for his girls new “doo”.

14. The owner of the salon busts through the door - slams the door - and cusses out every stylist in his/her range of vision. This takes place in front of everybody. The gay stylist in the back keeps looking around like he knooooows she aint talking to him.

15. Finally, you’re hair is done and is laid like a mo’fo! But you can’t sleep on it, so you’ll be tired all week. *yawn* You go to pay your stylist, but she aint got no damn change. You have to ask everybody in the shop do they have change. Everyone is fresh out of change. Finally, the “Master Barber” next door can “break change” for you. But, only if you agree to “smile” for him, cuz you “look so mean”. LOL!

16. There’s a party in the “back room” if you want a beer.

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And yes - I know the above is a bit stereotyped and there are many nice salons that cater to our needs. But damn if I haven’t been to a ghetto salon in a neighborhood near you. You know it’s true.