Oh What a Day . . . Whatta Day, Whatta Day. . .

Yeah so,
On the bus ride home from work I was attacked by the Honorable Elijah Jerome Broke Ass Mohammed. I was minding my business, reading the paper and of course he just had to try and engage me in some conversation. The bus was crowded; I didn’t have much choice but to entertain his presence. I’ll try to make a long story short, but this fool was completely out of pocket. He was talking extra loud like the bus was his pulpit and he was the divine “Minister of Truth“. He looked like he had lived a hard life and he had a large scar coming down his left cheek. Someone had given him a “buck 50”.

HEJBAM: We have waited 400 years for our rightful place. And when that day comes I may just decide to make them sit at the back of the bus. I might hang them from a few trees. They will bow to me. Money is the White mans gain. Knowledge is the quest for the Black man. Unfortunately, they have the power because they have stolen what is rightfully ours. . . . They try to pass themselves off as Jews, but they are not Jews. They are gypsies, mongrels passing themselves off as the chosen people. The real Jews are in Palestine. They have moved all of the real Jews out of the holy land. I am from the earth and the earth is made of dirt. I have yet to see white dirt.

This one man rally went on for the entire trip home. And for a moment, the Honorable Elijah Jerome Broke Ass Mohammed commenced to break out in “tongues” or perhaps an Arabic language. Hell, I don’t know. He was loud, obnoxious and annoying as hell. Some of the of things he said I agreed with ( None of which is referenced above). It was obvious that he had taken his smidgen of knowledge and was attempting to wield it as a shield of the almighty truth. In all of his ignorant self righteousness, he was twisting the word to his advantage. I tried to ignore him. I tried to block him out.

HEJBAM: *Directing his attention towards me* Excuse me sista. What you are reading is a pack of lies. What you should be reading is this, *Busting out the latest edition of the “Final Call ” *

Unidentified Man On The Bus: Leave that beautiful woman alone, man.

HEJBAM: She is pretty, but not beautiful.

Angelique: *Thinking to myself, “Oh no he didn’t ? “ * I turned to face him. I looked him directly in the eyes and said - You know what? Did I ask to encounter you? Do you know me? I’m over here minding my own business. What you need to do is mind yours.

HEJBAM: How can you be minding your business on the bus? We are in public. I’m just trying to make conversation.

Angelique: I’m not trying to have a conversation with you. I’m over here, minding my business. *Re-opening the paper*

I’m not going to front though, I couldn’t read much else after that. It is difficult to not want to speak out when I hear some foolishness. I am constantly working on remaining calm and neutral in situations such as the one I’m describing. It was clear that this man wanted some attention. If was also painfully clear that he was attracted to me. Not to sound conceited, but hey. *shrugs shoulders - shakes head*

HEJBAM: I’m sorry, I apologize if I’ve offended anyone on this bus.

HEJBAM: You have pretty smile.

Angelique *Thinking: When in the hell has he seen me smile?* - Silence. No Response.

HEJBAM: You have pretty hair. Tell me sister, what is your ethnic background?

Angelique I’m American. *Laughing to myself *

HEJBAM: Oh, so you celebrate Christmas and Easter, huh? I bet you run around the yard hiding Easter eggs and shit. You eat pork. You are lost. You have no sense of self. I’ve noticed your nose is kind of on the pointy side. It is designed not to take in much, like a European. You like my style don’t you? You want me to slap that ass . You are chewing gum. Did you know the bible says you are not supposed to chew gum?

Maybe I should have been offended or awkward. But to me this was straight comedy. I couldn’t help but to laugh a this cornball, so eager to pass judgment like he knows me. I was almost home so I decided to go out with a bang. I wasn’t really in the mood for this bullshit.

Angelique Didn’t I ask you stop talking to me? Do you really need my attention that badly? Does my presence make your day? You don’t know me and you are passing judgment on me. Stop forcing your bogus conversation on me. I don’t like you. Please stop talking to me. If you really had knowledge of self, you wouldn’t approach me on this level.

Then just for the sake of pure, unadulterated nonsense, I went Erykah Badu on him - I said “ The man that knows something , knows that he knows nothing at all. Does it seem colder in your summertime and hotter in your fall ? “

Much to my delight he looked puzzled. I reached in my purse a whipped out a fresh can of Pepper Spray. I’ve been secretly looking for a reason to test it out, but then again, really hoped I’d never have to.

Angelique Now, please shut the hell up talking to me or I will have no choice but to gas you.

HEJBAM: What? I dare you! *Looking out of the window and noticing an important factor * Oh shit! That was my my stop! *Ringing the bell* Bus driver, let me off here!

Bus Driver This isn’t a stop you’ll have to wait.

Angelique *Still gripping my can of mace.* See, *laughing my ass off* that’s what you get. Now, you missed your stop. Ha ha! Get your “Rooty Poot” - can’t afford a bean pie ass - off of this bus before I fry your eyeballs! Ha ha!

Surprisingly, he laughed too!

The doors whooshed open and he hit the snow.

I came home from work and cranked the snow blower up to 6. I damn near threw my back out of alignment, messing around with that death trap. But hey, it beats shoveling the snow. And honestly, I felt sort of empowered by the whole experience. Who the hell needs a husband? I’ve got mace and a snow-blower. Life is good. Plus, I was looking cute, like a snuggly little snow -blowing, bunny. Did snow fly all up in my face? Um, maybe once. Did I smell like gasoline afterwards? Yup. But, does my sidewalk look so fresh and so clean? You know it! Temporarily. There is more snow to come.

Sorry I couldn’t make it a long story short.