Tales From the Hood North Side. . .

Strange, but true. . .

I think there is an up and coming serial killer in the neighborhood. I would say my neighborhood, but I’m just temporarily passing through (please believe). Then again, maybe I should claim this raggedy piece of territory, because in most of the horror films I’ve seen it’s usually the person who’s “just passing through” that gets chopped up, first.

All I know is that I’m a stranger in a strange land. I don’t know these mf’rs around here and they don’t know me. I can’t hardly wait to be all boxed up and loading my belongings unto a U-HAUL. When it all goes down, I’m gonna to tell the driver to burn rubber like we just robbed a bank and my granny needs a heart transplant . This neck of woods is not for the Dame Dizzle.

But anyways, back to the original topic . . .

Recently, on my morning trek to the bus stop, I noticed a peculiar looking plastic bag lying in the alley a few footsteps away me. I mostly took notice of the bag because is irks me to no end that people don’t respect where they dwell. Folks just go about discarding their garbage like the area is just one big trash can. And I guess in some ways it is — but it DOESN’T have to be that way! Two days in a row I high stepped my big beige ass past the ripped up bag — mentally cursing out whomever ever placed it there.

Well, this morning, once again I peeped the bag . . .but this time a little closer. Upon further inspection I clearly saw a partially BURNT UP SQUIRREL. His lower extremities had been burnt to a crisp — charred down to the bone gristle. And his poor little rodent mouth was gaped open in horror. Also included in the contents of the bag was a clear liquor bottle that appeared to have a layer of smoke around its edges as well. Now tell me people, WTF is that all about? If that aint the handy work of a Junior Serial Killer in the making, I don’t know what it is. Burning up animals is considered a serious conduct disorder.

I read, bitches. I know some thangs, aight . . .?

Dig:

There are three common characteristics found present in most serial killers during their childhood. These commonalities are known as the “terrible triad”. Of course, there is no guarantee that if all three conditions are present, the child will for certain, grow up to become a serial killer. But they are early warning signs to be aware of.

The conditions are as follows:

Bed Wetting
Fire Starting
and
Animal Torture

1. At least 60% of serial killers were wetting the bed past the age of 12.
2. An obscenely large amount of serial killers had a fascination with arson, or started fires as children.
3. Many serial killers, before moving to human victims, start with small, or dead animals.

Oh, ask me how many burnt down houses are in immediate area . . .

Hmmm . . . I would have to say about 5 or 6 within half a mile radius. Keep in mind, this is Minneapolis, not Detroit.

The only thing that I can’t confirm are how many pissy mattresses are in the vicinity.

Okay? *that look*

You read me loud and clear, right?

And that’s just one of many scenarios I’m dealing with on the daily. The good news is that I know this situation on not nearly permanent. And every thing I’m soaking up only makes me stronger and more insightful. So I aint mad. But I don’t trust NOBODY! Realness.

Stay tuned for more “Tales from the North Side . . .”