Thank You For Smoking.

I opened my mailbox this evening and amongst a stack of junk and bills was a token of appreciation from the throat and lung cancer fairies, RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company. Sent with love and care, the high quality, glossified and colorful box with a hip design was chalked full of…well, we’ll get to that in a minute…

Dig the presentation:

Pretty cool, huh?

But uh, I’m not a smoker, so how did they get my address?

Well, you see, now comes the part where I have to admit I am somewhat of a hypocrite (and a ‘baby’ liar) for some of what you just read just a few words ago.

Truth is. . .

Although I’m not a die hard smoker and I don’t buy cigarettes, I am prone to mooch, light up and inhale OTHER PEOPLES ‘squares‘ - BUT only after I’ve had a ‘dranky-drank‘ or two. This doesn’t occur often, but it does happen. So far, 2008 has been smoke-free and I hope to keep it that way.

The reason why Camel has my address is because I gave it to them…when I worked as a freelance events writer for several of their FABULOUS social gatherings. “Big Tobacco” knows how to party, yo! I’m so sincere. They get down with the get down. Oh, and I wanted a free lighter, that’s another reason why I am on their mailing list.

AND they put some chips in a sisters pocket! I wish my written words were always worth as much. . .

Blood money I suppose.

In my defense, I only wrote about the events, never the product or anything of that nature. Still, we all know what time it is. I don’t care how great the parties are, how pretty the packaging is, or how generous they cut my check - smoking cigarettes kills people, DEAD.

I mean, do I really need to elaborate on the detrimental effects of smoking tobacco? Do I really need to tell ya’ll it makes your clothes, hair and breath stink? Do I really need to tell you that an immediate family member who has smoked for 54 + years, now has COPD, relies on an oxygen tank 24/7 only removes the tubes from her nasal passages when lighting up smoke yet another cigarette…because she is HOOKED FOR LIFE.

Do I really need to tell you that? Probably not. But I did anyway…

That is why when I received this package tonight I just had to shake my head in shame, disgust and for general purposes. I’m peeping the marketing techniques - Gotta keep the next generation on lock and choking on smoke…gotta appeal to the hipsters, “Refusing To Be Ordinary“.

Gotta keep generating them kabillions of dollars. ‘Chea!

I’m over here laughing and crying at the same time. The killer part (besides actually contributing to the death of more people than 911, Hurricane Katrina and the War in Iraq put together) is that inside the box of cigarettes was not X amount of “cancer sticks” - instead it was a coupon for “Buy One Pack Get One Free”. *ha ha*

All that damn packaging (plus postage) for a funky ass coupon!?

Because after all, smoking yourself to death aint 100% at “The Mans” expense. However, they will meet you halfway. Suckers!

I know I went real far with this commentary, but am I really that much of base? It IS something to ponder.

After this post I probably won’t be invited back to eat sushi, sip wine and enjoy luxury limo rides with the folks at Camel. Oh well…it was time to get out of bed with the devil, anyway.